I’ve been there countless times, filling journal pages with lists of what I want in a partner. I want someone who:
doubles down when things get hard, who believes that commitment opens up life and devotion sets us free. I want someone who is a magician, determined to alchemize life’s hardest lessons with joy and creativity.
I want someone who is passionate, someone who can stand alone in a room, someone who is determined to be free and free others around them.
Someone who is not only committed to collective liberation but who inspires me in the way they’re actually practicing it.
Someone is accountable, to themselves, to their communities, to God.
The vision is clear, painted with hope and high standards. And it should be. We deserve partners who meet us in our depth, who are willing to do the work alongside us.
But the inventory cannot stop there. The true work begins when we hold that same list up to ourselves. It’s a mirror that can be difficult to look into. What does it mean to expect a partner who doubles down when we ourselves retreat at the first sign of internal conflict? How can we ask for devotion from another when we struggle to stay devoted to our own growth?
Have you noticed how lately everyone wants to be desired, but no one wants to do the desiring? It’s like we’re all performing on our screens, but nowhere near capable of holding the gaze of someone who loves us and could tell us how greatly we’ve messed up. This terrifies me. I want to be able to say: This is what I want. I want you. I want us. This is what I will do to deserve being in relationship with you. And I hope I attract people who have this kind of humility.
