I’ve worked in TJ for the last 3/4 years, and here are some signs that someone is not ready to take accountability and will likely do everything in their power to make both your life and theirs difficult. It’s best to stay away, because nothing will work on them—they have to work on themselves.
If you’ve been reading my work, you know how much I’m about repair.
That means I also have very strong boundaries about the kind of work I do conflict and repair with. Conflict is a lot of work somatically. Some people are not worth it. I don’t care about their excuses. If you’re a Black femme, I encourage you to care a little less, too.
1. They refuse to do their own internal work to come to the table for repair. Relationships are work, but people shouldn’t be ours to take on.
2. Their wounds are always the most important ones in the room. It’s as if they live in a world where only they get hurt. As a result, they show little to no curiosity about where you’re coming from or what you’re going through; they’re focused on broadcasting how hurt they are.
3. They are always the victim. They can never take responsibility for their part, even when it’s obvious.
4. They feel entitled to your apology—and everyone else’s—but never offer their own.
5. They spend a lot of time criticizing others for not doing enough, while doing little themselves to be part of the solution. They’re here to point out what’s wrong, not to help fix it.
6. They use my content in their stories, often writing things like “for all of you people at the back,” but never consider that they might also be part of the issue.
7. They have very, very low self-esteem.
8. They’ve spent a lifetime perfecting the art of using political and structural problems to funnel and feed their own personal wounds. They love political spaces because they can feed those wounds without ever taking responsibility for their healing.
9. They use sarcasm instead of saying, “I’m hurt,” “I’m uncomfortable,” or simply drawing a boundary.
10. They use their wounds to control the room. People around them often feel like they have to be unwell or struggling at least as much as them so they don’t get attacked. Being well is so unrelatable to them that they need to perform misery, mediocrity, victim mentality around them.
11. Joy, happiness, or abundance—anything that softens the tissues—is experienced by them as a personal attack (“How dare you?!”). They won’t admit this reflects their unhealed wounds, because that would require change. Instead, they use it to accuse you of not caring about political issues.
12. They use anything you tell them as
