This is the title of the study I found when I was researching the psychological violence of hot and cold behavior. Well, actually it was called: “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction.”
In this 2011 experiment, three white cis men, Whitchurch, Wilson, and Gilbert showed women profiles of men and essentially told one of three things:
the men liked them a lot,
the men liked them an average amount, or
they didn’t know whether the men liked them a lot or an average amount.
Guess who reported the greatest attraction??
Before anything, let’s address the men/women situation.
I do believe that patriarchal societies make sure that people socialised as women are taught to experience being desired as a source of value, and therefore to pay extraordinary attention to whether or not they are being chosen. This matters when we talk about studies suggesting that uncertainty can increase attraction. We cannot separate “Does this person like me?” from a social world in which women have historically been taught that being liked, wanted, pursued, partnered with, or chosen—specifically by cis men—is evidence of their inherent worth. (And here I’ll only mention men and women because, of course, gender non-conforming folks are not counted for in those studies.)
So before we conclude that uncertainty simply makes women more attracted to cis men, I want us to remain curious about what exactly is being activated. Is it desire? Is it attraction? Or is uncertainty activating an already deeply rehearsed (& designed) social question:
